I have a tendency to write deeper, more detailed posts late at night. Albeit relatable, this is a very personal post, so if you're not into personal you might as well stop reading now (it's okay, I'll forgive you). Here goes..
Depression is a growing pandemic in young adults which doesn't receive enough attention. 1/5 women can expect to develop clinical depression at some point in their lives, and 1/7 men. A Canadian statistic found was that 6.5% (>1/4 million) of youth/young adults in Canada met the criteria for major depression within the past year.
Depression is defined as
- Severe despondency and dejection, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy
- A condition of mental disturbance, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life
I found this alarmingly accurate to how I constantly feel when I get these feelings.
I, myself, have suffered from depression for the past 5 years. And honestly, it's one of the hardest yet more rewarding things I have ever been through in my life. There are days where I feel so much pain and where I feel so worthless and just don't want to do anything at all. It sets me into a state of being numb. However, it has taught me how to cope and who is really present in my life. For me, I'm not always in a per say 'depressed' state. I'd say it's turned more into extreme mood swings, but not spontaneous mood swings. For the longest time I had no idea what was wrong with me, but the worst feelings would overcome me and it was just absolutely unbearable. I just wanted someone to tell me everything would be okay and for all of those feeling to just vanish. But for the life of me I couldn't talk to anyone, and just pushed people away.
I first started gets bits of it around 7 years ago when a very close relative passed away. It wasn't depression, but it was definitely buildup towards it. 2 years went by and I was still the same, I just had bits of sadness, but nothing extreme. Then 5 years ago when I was in high school it seems now as if it all just hit me at once.
I want to throw out a little disclaimer; I didn't have a bad high school experience. I wasn't bullied, I didn't go to a school where there was a significant amount of it and I had a good life. Now you might be thinking I'm some pretentious drama queen. And that's somewhat okay I guess since it's your opinion, but hear me out at least. I promise I'm not. When I was in 10th grade it really just hit me all at once almost. I came to realization that there wasn't anything I was good at, or passionate about, I didn't really have friends and I couldn't get male attention for the life of me. These feelings all kind of snowballed at me as I continued through high school. In 11th and 12th grade I hit my all time low. It started not even being about the same reasons, I just always had this cloud over me. It affected everything I did those two years. I began doing poorly in school and not putting anything into my relationships with family and friends. This caused me to lose a lot of friends, but also realize who my real friends are. I felt so alone, which was the worst part of it all. Once I got out of high school and into post-secondary things started to get a lot better. I wouldn't say I had this epiphany where everything became better, but my head just clouded less and I realized that I was given life for a reason, and that I need to try to make the best of it. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments. That's why I'd say it's now a mood swing type thing. I don't have the same cloud over me, but depression isn't something that completely leaves you. Sometimes I'll just inexplicably get in an awful mood. There won't be a reason or a trigger for it at all sometimes, it just happens. But I'm getting used to it, and I've really learned to cope.
Which brings me to my next point; coping with depression. For me, once I get into these states the first thing I need to do is get myself out of the situation. If I'm with people, I need to get out and be alone. The next thing I need to do is be in complete darkness and silence. If it's light or loud it often get trigger a panic attack for me, along with many other things depression has also caused me to develop terrible anxiety, especially socially. One of the best things for me is to take a nap and drink lots of water, I almost treat it like I would a migraine, which kind of makes sense.. Then once I feel slightly refreshed I vent about whatever it is I'm feeling, and if anything caused it what caused it. However one of my biggest things is I can't talk to people about these things. I always feel like I'm burdening them. So things I do are: 1. Write a letter 2. Write a post on my private tumblr 3. Write into the thoughts room (see
this blog post) I've learned it's not healthy to keep things built up inside, so since I can't talk to people I try to find other mechanisms to cope.
By no means will these feelings go away over night, but the only things you can do is hope for them to go away, and try to make a life worth living for yourself. For me, it's the prospect of the future that gets me going. I constantly set goals for myself and map out accomplishments I'd like to achieve. By having something I really want there to look forward to it gives me so much more hope and motivation.
Another thing I really try to do is treat others the way I'd like to be treated. Even though it's not what I'm thinking/feeling I'm always smiling and giving compliments. Not because I'm being fake or any of that, but more so as wishful thinking. Maybe one day it will become how I feel, or maybe someone else is having an awful time and that smile could completely turn it around, you never know. If you continue smiling, and try to find more reasons to smile as time progresses it will become more genuine and real to you. You just have to keep at it and keep pulling through. Find things that make you happy and stick with those. If there is any negativity in your life, get it as far away from you as possible.
All in all, focus on the positives, not the negatives. There are always going to be negative factors in your life and I'm trying to tell you sadness will go away forever. But you were given life for a reason, so try the best you can to cherish it and make the most of it. Someone out there is so jealous that you're alive and well.
And finally, if you ever need anyone to talk to I'll always be here to listen. Don't ever hesitate to message me by any means of your choosing. I'll always be here because I know what it feels like to feel completely alone. I love you xx
xLB
